A Land Down Under
Posted on 2008-Feb-10 at 03:27
The descent started, 20 odd hours of recycled air, endless movies, in seat entertainment and more than enough air line food than any person should be allowed to suffer (surely there’s something in the Geneva convention about this form of torture?). However I would have happily suffered many more hours and many more meals because the reason I was travelling this distance was the best reason in the world ever! A long overdue meeting with the love of my life, the great, the fantastic and completely sexy Squilla! (Queue the long and sustained applause)
First there was the small barrier of Australian customs to get past, a questionnaire on your life history, first kiss, first top only grope, ever had a wart, seriously they like detail, you have to work at it to be allowed through. Which I really like as the UK seems to have an open doors policy to anyone who needs a free hand out and rent free place to live and I was about to find out if the grass really is greener.
So having left the UK in close to freezing conditions I was so attired in a hand knitted wooly jumper (No sheep crossed with kangaroo jokes please!), jeans, hiking boots and broad smile. Just through the doors she would be waiting. It had been nearly 4 months since I’d last held her in my arms, placed my lips on hers and got lost in a sea of happiness, just put one foot in front of the other. No wait quick breath check, mmmm, poo breath of a thousand airplane meals, pit sniff, yup smell like I’ve been in these clothes for more than 24 hours, hand through hair and I’m ready. I felt like I was walking through the stage doors on Stars in Their Eyes, bright light blasted my retinas and hundreds of eyes stared back each set looking for a loved one, a friend or just their fare. I only wanted to see one set and there they were, the feeling that went through me was just unbelievable, the hours of sitting in cattle class, the fatigue and the cramps it all just melted away. Bloody good job too because there was that famous Aussie war cry of “BAAAAAAAABBBBBBEEEEEEE!!!” and she charged, followed by a jump and a hug al la Love Actually stylé.
Well what a welcome that was, I just held on and wanted to hold on forever until she whispered in my ear “I really need to pee”, I guessed it was the excitement of seeing me, alas it was more to do with the 15 liters of water you need to drink each day just to stay mildly hydrated here. And I was about to find out the reason why.
Squilla lead me outside and then promptly left me alone in a strange country full of dangerous animals and Cricketers so she could go and relieve herself, I stood there for a moment and just breathed deeply. . . . The only way I can describe the feeling would be if you were to open the oven door and inhale that blast of hot dry air that accompanies it. To those who I left behind in the UK, that small dull orange ball that we sometimes see in the skies is actually a big firey mass of heat that pounds you from above. Never will I mock a cooking chook ever again! I promptly started to strip of nearly all my clothes leaving on only my socks in the name of decency, and waited like a lost soul for Squilla to come back.
“Stay away from the light,” a far away voice in my head called “you’ve no suntan lotion on!”
I could feel all eyes being draw towards me, who is this white as snow idiot reflecting the suns rays right back at us? It has happened once before, while on holiday in Canada I dared to bare my chest. You have to understand that I’m English, the sun is worshiped in the UK for the 2 days it chooses to show itself and not just by Hippies in white sheets at Stone Henge called Justin Pendragon or the like. I have no tan, no colour of which to speak other than white. In Canada I actually slowed the traffic, drivers and passengers, busses full of school kids, some waved and gave me the thumbs up, some just looked in disbelief others just laughed uncontrollably. Bloody oath mate (Aussie/rest of the world translation: Upon my word I tell thee the truth). It was happening again here, we quickly headed for the taxi rank (well as quick as you can with a suitcase in tow while you swing your jungle style knife in a vain attempt to cut your way through the thickness of the heat).
Heaven Is A Taxi Cab!
Two words: Air Conditioning!
And so my journey through this strange and foreign land that I now call home began in earnest. There wasn’t much conversation on the way to the poo brown flats, our abode here in Western Australia (WA). I think we were just both enjoying the moment and the cool air conditioning, most of the conversation was about how spread out everything is here, in the UK they build everything up because they’ve used up all the room. Here they build out as there is so much room. Also drive-through bottle shops, how cool is that? And the trees, palms and gum trees and bloody parrots flying everywhere (I was corrected quickly on that one, they’re actually Rainbow Lorikeets) huge cars and fit tanned and incredibly muscular guys walking everywhere. How was this skinny Englishman going to cope, I’ll tell you, blind them with my Chest of Whiteness!!!!!!
One conversation that will stick in my mind until the day I die:
Taxi man: So are you on holiday.
Squilla: No he’s here to stay, yay. He’s going to see if he can cut it here in Oz.
Fundy: Yeah so far so good, liking the air conditioning hehehe.
Squilla: He’s flown in from the UK. He must be knackered, you knackered babe?
Taxi man: You’ll love it here, Australia is the best country in the world.
Fundy: So I keep being told by everyone who’s lived here. Where are you from?
Taxi man: Egypt. . . . Australia the best country in the world.
And so it goes, so many people here are from all corners of the globe but one thing comes across every time. They’re all proud to tell you they’re Aussies.
Well I didn’t get much of a chance to relax into our new flat, it was in, a swapping of crimbo presents of which I did very well, new boardies (Translation: Shorts), a set of dragon double plugger thongs (Translation: Flipflops, men happily wear thongs here) and a tub of sun cream with an SPF of about 1,000,000. Now looking an anemic local we headed for the beach, a beer and the most beautiful sunset out to sea. It was the perfect end to a perfect 38 hour day, we made it home and finally after nearly 4 months we turned off the lights.
First there was the small barrier of Australian customs to get past, a questionnaire on your life history, first kiss, first top only grope, ever had a wart, seriously they like detail, you have to work at it to be allowed through. Which I really like as the UK seems to have an open doors policy to anyone who needs a free hand out and rent free place to live and I was about to find out if the grass really is greener.
So having left the UK in close to freezing conditions I was so attired in a hand knitted wooly jumper (No sheep crossed with kangaroo jokes please!), jeans, hiking boots and broad smile. Just through the doors she would be waiting. It had been nearly 4 months since I’d last held her in my arms, placed my lips on hers and got lost in a sea of happiness, just put one foot in front of the other. No wait quick breath check, mmmm, poo breath of a thousand airplane meals, pit sniff, yup smell like I’ve been in these clothes for more than 24 hours, hand through hair and I’m ready. I felt like I was walking through the stage doors on Stars in Their Eyes, bright light blasted my retinas and hundreds of eyes stared back each set looking for a loved one, a friend or just their fare. I only wanted to see one set and there they were, the feeling that went through me was just unbelievable, the hours of sitting in cattle class, the fatigue and the cramps it all just melted away. Bloody good job too because there was that famous Aussie war cry of “BAAAAAAAABBBBBBEEEEEEE!!!” and she charged, followed by a jump and a hug al la Love Actually stylé.
Well what a welcome that was, I just held on and wanted to hold on forever until she whispered in my ear “I really need to pee”, I guessed it was the excitement of seeing me, alas it was more to do with the 15 liters of water you need to drink each day just to stay mildly hydrated here. And I was about to find out the reason why.
Squilla lead me outside and then promptly left me alone in a strange country full of dangerous animals and Cricketers so she could go and relieve herself, I stood there for a moment and just breathed deeply. . . . The only way I can describe the feeling would be if you were to open the oven door and inhale that blast of hot dry air that accompanies it. To those who I left behind in the UK, that small dull orange ball that we sometimes see in the skies is actually a big firey mass of heat that pounds you from above. Never will I mock a cooking chook ever again! I promptly started to strip of nearly all my clothes leaving on only my socks in the name of decency, and waited like a lost soul for Squilla to come back.
“Stay away from the light,” a far away voice in my head called “you’ve no suntan lotion on!”
I could feel all eyes being draw towards me, who is this white as snow idiot reflecting the suns rays right back at us? It has happened once before, while on holiday in Canada I dared to bare my chest. You have to understand that I’m English, the sun is worshiped in the UK for the 2 days it chooses to show itself and not just by Hippies in white sheets at Stone Henge called Justin Pendragon or the like. I have no tan, no colour of which to speak other than white. In Canada I actually slowed the traffic, drivers and passengers, busses full of school kids, some waved and gave me the thumbs up, some just looked in disbelief others just laughed uncontrollably. Bloody oath mate (Aussie/rest of the world translation: Upon my word I tell thee the truth). It was happening again here, we quickly headed for the taxi rank (well as quick as you can with a suitcase in tow while you swing your jungle style knife in a vain attempt to cut your way through the thickness of the heat).
Heaven Is A Taxi Cab!
Two words: Air Conditioning!
And so my journey through this strange and foreign land that I now call home began in earnest. There wasn’t much conversation on the way to the poo brown flats, our abode here in Western Australia (WA). I think we were just both enjoying the moment and the cool air conditioning, most of the conversation was about how spread out everything is here, in the UK they build everything up because they’ve used up all the room. Here they build out as there is so much room. Also drive-through bottle shops, how cool is that? And the trees, palms and gum trees and bloody parrots flying everywhere (I was corrected quickly on that one, they’re actually Rainbow Lorikeets) huge cars and fit tanned and incredibly muscular guys walking everywhere. How was this skinny Englishman going to cope, I’ll tell you, blind them with my Chest of Whiteness!!!!!!
One conversation that will stick in my mind until the day I die:
Taxi man: So are you on holiday.
Squilla: No he’s here to stay, yay. He’s going to see if he can cut it here in Oz.
Fundy: Yeah so far so good, liking the air conditioning hehehe.
Squilla: He’s flown in from the UK. He must be knackered, you knackered babe?
Taxi man: You’ll love it here, Australia is the best country in the world.
Fundy: So I keep being told by everyone who’s lived here. Where are you from?
Taxi man: Egypt. . . . Australia the best country in the world.
And so it goes, so many people here are from all corners of the globe but one thing comes across every time. They’re all proud to tell you they’re Aussies.
Well I didn’t get much of a chance to relax into our new flat, it was in, a swapping of crimbo presents of which I did very well, new boardies (Translation: Shorts), a set of dragon double plugger thongs (Translation: Flipflops, men happily wear thongs here) and a tub of sun cream with an SPF of about 1,000,000. Now looking an anemic local we headed for the beach, a beer and the most beautiful sunset out to sea. It was the perfect end to a perfect 38 hour day, we made it home and finally after nearly 4 months we turned off the lights.
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